In those desolate wastelands where I spend my working day I have been held in phone queues near Swindon, London, Henley, Glasgow, Edinburgh and Sheffield.
While trying to get through to a fellow human being employed by a product provider,I ponder many thoughts.
Can the handset on my desk phone frazzle my brain as effectively as my mobile?
What will be my punishment if frustration leads me to inflict telephone rage on the mystery shopper?
I know this progress is the product of greater efficiency invoked by the bean counters who want me to stop being a nuisance, asking questions and seeking answers when they have a perfectly good website which is designed to deal with straightforward requests.
Obviously, if my request is not simple I must be a trouble maker – and nobody wants to deal with them.
So while waiting in the latest queue I have taken a leaf out of Baldrick's book and come up with “a cunning plan”:
I shall install a taxi meter on my desk and charge offend-ing queue-makers for my waiting time.
Before I tie, multi-tie or decide to swing free, I shall insist on having a permanent line connected to relevant providers at their expense.
I shall enquire from Amnesty International if it is deemed to be torture if I strap a headset on to a work experience person's head and force them to queue for me.
I will dispense with the phone and only contact providers by “snail mail” – always sent to them at Freepost addresses, I am so generous I award this facility to all – even if they have not got one.
This last option will block their systems even more, causing them to employ more real people who can read and write and the paper wastage will screw up their bit of the ozone layer.
The increase in workload will damage postmen's backs, putting them off work when they return from their next strike. This action will then push the NHS over the edge of their permitted waiting lists.
In a nutshell, I shall incite riot and anarchy throughout the land, lead the revolution from the comfort of the bunker, phone lines permitting.
Rise up and join us – if you can get through. Ring us with your support… your call is important to us.
Investment and financial planning IFA, Blackburn