Perhaps it's just the time of year
Or then again it's too much beer
But a piece for Money Marketing is due
I can't face it – what to do.
All this talk of regulation
When it's time for celebration
Sandler, Myners and all the rest
Are going to put us to the test.
But for now let us reflect
On how our public will detect
How the super self-regulator
Will make their savings even greater.
The FSA will be an adviser
And make them all a good deal wiser
It's Christmas now so will they care
Or are they after other fayre
All Dickens, Carroll and fancy dress
The office party it sounds best.
So think of him this time of year
He's out for fun and much good cheer
He is the hero of our plot
So let's begin,confused or not.
Twas Christmas Eve in the workhouse
And all the world was quiet
The PCs slumbered in their code
And simmered in their data load.
“Alas” poor Buggins the worker groaned
“Think of the assets I have earned”
My bonus now is in the bag
So should I invest it or have a shag?
The new girl in accounts would play
Top slicing or shall I make hay?
Where to invest with good advice
Perhaps I could just throw a dice
How can I help that Chancellor Brown
And build the income of the crown?
Should I consult an IFA
Some say “No” the FSA
And where to find a man to trust
Who wont my monthly income bust
I'll phone IFAP and get a name
Not too flash and not too lame
I hear its best to buy online
The better class of bond be mine
Of my advancement what a sign.
A tracker is my worldly aim
An AVC is not the same
In terms of fashion its so dull
An IFA would seek to lull
My sharpest instincts to a fog
Make wealth creation such a slog.
Perhaps my illusions soon would flee
If he explains commission to me.
Bancassurance too a dream
So very easy it would seem
As they told me that I would reap
A strong return both full and deep
The Treasury would be so smug
And I would not appear a mug
For multi-ties are coming soon
When all consumers then will swoon
And so I stepped out to the branch
To find my own fulfilling tranche
The teller smiles a fruity grin
And promised my returns would win
And so I part with thoughts of dough
The rising yield will solve my woe.
The banker though I failed to woo
So better try the Man from Pru
Too late, too late he's lost his job
Seems Chopper Wood has hit the mob.
“Annuity” is their every word
I'd rather not be such a nerd.
A man of style I need to be
And so it's off to the 3B
“The Marketplace” is it's new name
But to me it's all the same.
They told me of their level fees
In boredom I sank down to my knees.
Money matters I'll defer
As other topics I prefer
With my sprig of mistletoe
To the office party I will go
Thus Christmas present I will treasure
Catmarks will not bring me much pleasure.
So Howard Davies you mighty elf
Defender of the nations wealth
The common man is left unmoved
By regulation he's not soothed
Compulsion,of course, may change his mind
But birth control's a bigger bind.
John Cowan is a financial services consultant