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Outside edge

Perhaps it&#39s just the time of year

Or then again it&#39s too much beer

But a piece for Money Marketing is due

I can&#39t face it – what to do.

All this talk of regulation

When it&#39s time for celebration

Sandler, Myners and all the rest

Are going to put us to the test.

But for now let us reflect

On how our public will detect

How the super self-regulator

Will make their savings even greater.

The FSA will be an adviser

And make them all a good deal wiser

It&#39s Christmas now so will they care

Or are they after other fayre

All Dickens, Carroll and fancy dress

The office party it sounds best.

So think of him this time of year

He&#39s out for fun and much good cheer

He is the hero of our plot

So let&#39s begin,confused or not.

Twas Christmas Eve in the workhouse

And all the world was quiet

The PCs slumbered in their code

And simmered in their data load.

“Alas” poor Buggins the worker groaned

“Think of the assets I have earned”

My bonus now is in the bag

So should I invest it or have a shag?

The new girl in accounts would play

Top slicing or shall I make hay?

Where to invest with good advice

Perhaps I could just throw a dice

How can I help that Chancellor Brown

And build the income of the crown?

Should I consult an IFA

Some say “No” the FSA

And where to find a man to trust

Who wont my monthly income bust

I&#39ll phone IFAP and get a name

Not too flash and not too lame

I hear its best to buy online

The better class of bond be mine

Of my advancement what a sign.

A tracker is my worldly aim

An AVC is not the same

In terms of fashion its so dull

An IFA would seek to lull

My sharpest instincts to a fog

Make wealth creation such a slog.

Perhaps my illusions soon would flee

If he explains commission to me.

Bancassurance too a dream

So very easy it would seem

As they told me that I would reap

A strong return both full and deep

The Treasury would be so smug

And I would not appear a mug

For multi-ties are coming soon

When all consumers then will swoon

And so I stepped out to the branch

To find my own fulfilling tranche

The teller smiles a fruity grin

And promised my returns would win

And so I part with thoughts of dough

The rising yield will solve my woe.

The banker though I failed to woo

So better try the Man from Pru

Too late, too late he&#39s lost his job

Seems Chopper Wood has hit the mob.

“Annuity” is their every word

I&#39d rather not be such a nerd.

A man of style I need to be

And so it&#39s off to the 3B

“The Marketplace” is it&#39s new name

But to me it&#39s all the same.

They told me of their level fees

In boredom I sank down to my knees.

Money matters I&#39ll defer

As other topics I prefer

With my sprig of mistletoe

To the office party I will go

Thus Christmas present I will treasure

Catmarks will not bring me much pleasure.

So Howard Davies you mighty elf

Defender of the nations wealth

The common man is left unmoved

By regulation he&#39s not soothed

Compulsion,of course, may change his mind

But birth control&#39s a bigger bind.

John Cowan is a financial services consultant


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