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On a lighter note: Terminator to buy hyper-mega-super bank

A well-known Californian politician and former Hollywood movie star has revealed he is set to buy Lloyds TSB, Abbey and Royal Bank of Scotland and create a bank “bigger than anyone could imagine”.

The individual has bought the Lloyds/Abbey/RBS bank for an undisclosed fee, and says his new acquisition will be actively seeking out further mergers.

“I want the lot,” says the new chairman of the Terminator Bank, “I will be buying Morgan Stanley by the end of the week, and will have HSBC and Barclays by Tuesday.”

This news comes as Santander bought Alliance & Leicester, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt, Lloyds TSB bought HBOS, AIG was bailed out by the Feds, the FTSE and the Dow Jones crashed, rallied and crashed again, only to rally for a second time.

World banks invested $180bn dollars into the markets, the Bank of England extended the Special Liquidity Scheme, the US Government created a plan to change the US markets fundamentally, and our Government outlawed short selling. Oh, and rumours of further acquisitions between Santander and Bank of Ireland came about, as well as buyout rumours for Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley.

The actor, who is famed for his roles in such films as Terminator, Terminator 2 and Terminator 3, says he felt he was the perfect hero to solve the current financial crisis. He says: “The best way to solve the crisis was to buy all the banks and have complete control of them. The bankers, the investors and the politicians couldn’t solve the problem. It needed a hero like me.”

Analysts are predicting that by the end of the month all financial professionals will be working for Terminator Bank in one way or another. Schwarzenegger has already expressed interest in control mortgage distribution, investment broking and pensions. Insiders have also revealed that Terminator Bank is already looking into controlling all insurance providers too.

The movie star, who has been governor of California for five years says the banking sector could be his biggest challenge after battling cyborgs, aliens, terrorists and even the Devil.

There are no details of any product changes as yet but he has promised to limit job cuts, and provide all staff with basic jungle training, AK47s and DVD copies of all his movies.

An analyst commented: “After this week, no one can guess at what will happen next. This week truly made anything possible.

“Every day has bought another bombshell, another curveball and another earth-shattering news story. The world financial markets have been changed forever and the reverberations will be felt for years to come.”


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