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New vacancy for 2009: Minister for Mortgages?

There has always been talk of a Mortgage Minister to oversee what is such a crucial sector of the UK. Would it work? Is it necessary? Here’s what we think a vacancy notice might look like:

The Prime Minister for England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and the saviour of the world Gordon Brown is happy to announce that he is to begin searching for a new cabinet position. In the wake of 2008, he thought it prudent to appoint a minister to oversee the workings of such a critical sector:

As Mortgage Minister, or Minister of Mortgages (an interim committee will have a first draft proposal on the title decision in the second half of next year) you’ll work closely with the Treasury, the Bank of England and the Financial Services Authority. You will have excellent dispute mediation skills.

You will be always mindful of the UK mortgage borrower, but also be aware of the importance of the mortgage lender. You must always make sure the borrower is safe and at the same time make sure the lenders are well capitalised. You should make sure to help create mortgages for anyone and everyone but at the same time make sure the lenders are not too reckless in their mortgage lending.

You will also make sure inflation stays at 2 per cent, mortgage rates remain low and savings rates remain high. All at the same time please.

You will also help run the new lending panel, which includes members of the mortgage lending community, and a few other miscellaneous representatives thrown in for good measure. This should make sure we deal with our bank investments at an arm’s length. A short arm’s length.

You should be able to demonstrate a strong track record in weathering storms, and show how you have successfully implemented half-baked ideas. You’ll show the capacity to think on your feet while ensuring the integrity of Her Majesty’s Government. Escapology skills are also needed.

Finally, you’ll be a strong advocate for homeowners in our society and be committed to making sure they always vote for us.

Candidates should apply to G. Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1A 2AA. No time wasters, please.

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